Am I valid?
I haven't published in weeks. Months. Am I valid? I see other artists, friends, people whom I admire, creating wonderful pieces of art with great regularity. And somehow, I can't seem to find the time or energy to produce even semi-regularly. Am I valid? Do I give myself a break because I have been in the middle of a move, and my apartment isn't a home, but a warehouse for disorganized boxes and bags, cables and trash? Is it just an excuse? Am I valid? I'm certain those of you here have heard of Impostor Syndrome, and while these feelings and fears may be related to this phenomenon, I can't help but feel this isn't exactly what's going on. See, I'm not really concerned about whether or not I am good enough. I understand my skill level and I see improvements. Sure, I see others growing at rates I feel I could never achieve, and every now and then feel insecure about it, but I get over that pretty quickly. I've long since stopped caring about whether or not someone else thinks I am good enough to have the gall to share my work with the world. No. My concern isn't about being good enough. My concern comes from worrying that my lack of time producing means that I don't actually enjoy creating work with the same fervent desire of my peers. I believe I enjoy doing these things, but can't ever seem to get into that headspace. So why do I procrastinate? Put projects I've started on the back burner and allow the tedium of my every day life be an excuse for why I just don't have time? I am a Perfectionist. I find myself frustrated when I am in a meeting with a coworker or an acquaintance and they announce that they are a self-described "perfectionist" because they do well at their job. Perfectionism is not a trait to glorify. Perfectionists such as myself go through an internal struggle where nothing is ever good enough. As a result, things don't get done. "I can't work on that oil painting right now because my workspace isn't clean. It's already 4pm, I don't have time to dedicate to that project. The dishes aren't done yet, there is no way I could focus on getting that drawing done." And so it goes... The thing is, perfectionists allow simple things to distract them. We use it as an excuse as to why we might fail if we were to start working on a project we actually care about. And this is why I don't produce with the regularity of my peers. I often have to remind myself that my problem is not that I am invalid, or that I don't enjoy the work. It's that I fear failure. I care a lot about painting, writing, and all things artistic expression. And it's because of this passion I feel for art-related endeavors that the simplest act of trying can be overwhelming. Create at Your Own Pace As a recovering perfectionist, I think it is important to remember that we are all human. We make mistakes. Would I like to be as impressive as my friends Jasmine Worth and Lauren Elizabeth? Absolutely. But I can't create at their level. At least not yet. One should definitely push themselves beyond their comfort zone. Not feeling ready? Do it anyway! And I do. Not as often as I wish I did, but I do it anyway. And that's the point. Beating myself up over not being perfect at creating every single day, or being as fast as others only makes the perfectionist problem worse. As a human being who is still figuring life out, and is not an expert in the matter, here is my advice to combating perfectionism: 1. Are you uncomfortable? Do it anyway. It doesn't matter if it comes out exactly as you imagined. The end result may surprise you. If it sucks, who cares? Keep going. 2. Couldn't Bring Yourself To Do It Because... Reasons? That's Fine, Too. Did you at least try? Good. Remember that you tried and resolve to try again next time. 3. Resolve To Do Better. Remember that you can only handle what you can handle. Beating yourself up isn't going to help you. Resolve to try again next time. Keep trying until five minutes turns into 10 minutes turns into one hour of dedicated effort. 4. You Did It! But Can You Do It Again Next Time? YES! YES! This wasn't a one-time deal. You will be able to do it again. Next time may not work out like this time did, but you can do it again. 5. Cut Yourself Some Damn Slack! Are you still procrastinating because of your fear of failure? "I shouldn't be wasting my time. I should be doing the thing. I SHOULD be able to do this!" All right, yeah, you're not exactly being productive, but don't SHOULD all over yourself! Shoulding on yourself isn't going to make you magically better at the thing. And don't allow others who don't suffer from perfectionism (or are at a different point in their perfectionist recovery) tell you what your situation should look like. Strive to do better, but remember we are all different. Does it take you 6 months to create one simple thing while everyone else around you is creating 6 new intricate things every month? It doesn't matter. Are you creating at all? Are you trying your best? That's all that matters; that you keep trying. While I don't produce nearly as frequently as I wish I did, I absolutely produce more than I did 11 years ago. My recovery is slow, but I would say I have definitely improved, and I see real growth in the work I do. The trick? I have to not care if something is good or not. Such as this thought piece. Is it garbage? Maybe. But I am writing. I am producing. I am creating content. And creating mediocre content in mid-August is better than the not-creating-any-content I did throughout the entire month of July. Doing is better than not doing. Even if you're scared, and even if it sucks. Remember that each time you do a thing. I believe in you. For an interesting read on willpower, check out this piece from the American Psychological Association: What You Need to Know about Willpower: The Psychological Science of Self-Control
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AuthorHeather Jacobs is a creative professional with over a decade's worth of experience in content creation. Her skills range from, but are not limited to, creative, copy, instructional, and technical writing. Archives
January 2021
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